WHO WILL STIR MY PORRIDGE
by Para2dise
Summary: edward is a stalker bella is bipolar Holy shit, you're the most accomplished stalker I've ever met." "It's not stalking if you like it." rated M for naughty language
1. Chapter 1

08/09/2013

BPOV

My book tour was going fuckawesome. I was tired but it was still fun. 'The comet' was a bestseller and on top charts in a week after being published. After writing the first book, 'The comet', there were some problems so the weren't able to publish it, when they did I was halfway through my second book ' The cat'. As you can guess, it wasn't a sequel.

The second after I gave 'the cat' to my editor Jo, she told me I was leaving on a fucking book tour. Not in those exact words. While I was writing 'the cat' they published 'the comet' and it was a huge fucking hit. Jo informed me that I had a long list of places to visit. I would have stay at each place for a few days each. In 2 months I would visit about 15 places. The first two places were fucking awesome and we were about to visit the third, Omaha.

As I exited the plane I looked around for my transportation, an ugly, big black car stood out and I figured that it was probably my ride. The driver couldn't drive, there was no alcohol in the back, I was sleepy and my head hurt. Did I mention it was fucking 3 in the morning? Fuck! I stumbled into my hotel half asleep and collapsed on the carpet.

The second I woke up I ran to the bathroom because I hadn't had a bath in 2 days. Personal hygiene wasn't a must for me but 2 days was a record I didn't want to break. I began singing my fave song as I put the water on.

Uh huh ... extra cheese

Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me

Pizza, party at your house

I went, just to check it out

Nineteen extra larges

What a shame

Pizza all day

And every day

This cheese 'round the clock

Is gettin' me blocked

And I sure don't care

For irregularity

Tell me

Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?

'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated, in the bathroom

I sit and I wait and I strain and I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain

Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?

No no no

In fact, I just thought I might

Pop the question there that night

I was, kissing her so tenderly, but woe is me

Who would have guessed

Her family crest

I'd suddenly spy

Tattooed on her thigh

And son-of-a-gun

It's just like the one on me

Tell me

How was I supposed to know we were both related?

Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated

What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose

And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes

And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?

Tell me

Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?

It really is a major inconvienience

Oh man, I really hate it

It's such a drag now

I can't eat I can't breathe I can't snore I can't belch or yodel anymore

Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated

Oh no, why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated?

Yeah, yeah!

I gotta tell ya

Life without a head kinda makes me irritated

What a bummer

I can't blink I can't cough I can't sneeze

As I concluded the song my phone began beeping spastically. I ran out of the bathroom leaving the taps on because I love wasting water.

FROM: JO

TO: BELLA

M & G IN 2 HRS.

Jo certainly had a way with words. I quickly put on a pair on old blue jeans, a pink fuzzy sweater with a cow on it (Omaha was cold) and a pair of flip flops. The second I reached the entrance of the bookstore my meet and greet would be held in I walked into a wall of fur. "What the actual fuck bitch!?" I said choking on some fur. I looked up and saw a familiar face. "Lucas?!" I said wondrously, "You're still hairy". "Um, hi..." the shirtless, hairy guy answered. "Its me", I replied excitedly " bullshit". I realize that they were weird nicknames but we were 10 the last time I saw him. "Becky? " hairy said interrupting my internal rambling. " Err no it's Bella Swan " I replied, blushing so bad I looked like a hooker with to much makeup. "Remember? You used to live in forks until you were 10. We were best friends. I licked your face when you were sleeping once". He raised his eyebrows and said " oh yeah. How long has it been? About 14 years. Wow. You look like shit ". " your face looks like shit, cunt " I snapped bitchily. Did I mention I'm bipolar? " Aren't you cold "I asked scared for Lucas's health. "No. What are you doing here, anyway?" . "I'm a published author now" I bragged. "Oh, yeah you always wanted to write" Lucas smiled down at me. "And you wanted to be a vet. How's that going?" "Non existent. I'm a stripper now" he shrugged. I took a good look at him – tall, skinny, pale, hairy, blue eyes, blonde hair and squinty eyes. Wow, they let anyone strip these days. No standards, sad. "Anyways, I have to go for a meet and greet , give me your phone number" I ordered. "You do have a phone, right?" " Yes, it's 9333322222 ". "Cool, talk later hairy" I waved goodbye and walked away before waiting for a reply.

AN:Word count -961


	2. Chapter 2

EPOV

"Um, yeah hi! * waves shyly*

My name is The EC Machine and I'm reeelly reelly happy to see u folks.

Welcome to my newest show called stalking, creeping, killing and more.

This my friend's is going to be a fun ride and there are going to be ups and downs but I hope you'll stick through it!

But first I'd like to introduce my co-host the bold, the beautiful, the fake blondie, my friend Jasper Hale! * claps spastically and holding hands with Hale jumps on to the water bed in the middle of the stage*

Okay pals n gals today I your cohost will start the segment by getting straight to the topic. I won't beat around the bush or get ensnared in a long series of details or wind about endlessly about our topic. I most definitely, unlike some others, will not make you wait to know about this segment and leave you waiting long after the break; instead I shall….."

BREAK

* in the background* And it is clinically proven the Dorner's detergent will have your kitchen shining like never before….

"Aw Jazzy Spazzy I never got a chance to get to the topic. I was so close but yet so far. Like a dove flying towards peace but getting shot mid-flight.

I was going to introduce..*looks around suspiciously and lowers voice to a quite low volume of 55* the plan to kill The Bee Swan!"

"Edward, sometimes my son, we reach point in our lives where we just cant go on and at times like this we just have to be men of action like mah boy Will Smith. Ah now that's a fine dandy young specimen of a man if I may say so my self. Those broad confident shoulders, the smooth planes of his face….oh by Marry.

"Jazz Kanazz what an idea!" *ducks behind potted plant and moves with it*

* I'm going to pack my Backpack and I'm flying out tonight to kill her."

" ed wait! What about singing our theme song first?'

I, I, I

I am your butterfly

I need your protection

Be my samurai

I, I, I

I am your butterfly

I need your protection

Need your protection

I'm a ninja, yo

My life is like a videogame

I maintain when I'm in the zone

One player one life on the mic

I'm in the dark

Yo, ninja, go

No fuckin around I'm cutting down

Anyone in my path

Tryna fuck up my game with razor sharp

Lyrical throw stars

Killin' my foes like

Hos! Ska!

Wild, outta control

Ninja skop befokte rof taal

Rough rhymes, tough times

Met fokkol kos, skraal

Till I hit triple seven at the ATM

Straight famine or feast,

When you're living on the razor edge

Stay sharp, sharp

Rolling with the $O$

High energy

Never seen zef so fresh

Uh, when we mic check

Hi-def flow's flex

Yo we aren't the messed up

Not fucking the best

We not like the rest

My style is UFO

Totally unknown

You can't fuck with my new Zef flow

I'm hard to miss

"You can't do this, you can't do that"

Yo, fuckin' who said so?

I do what I like

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold

You can't fuck with the chosen one

I-I-I want the knife

I'm a Ninja

Hook x2

Ninja is poes cool

But don't fuck with my game

Boy or I'll poes you

Life is tough

When I get stuck

When my time is up

I push through

Till I break-break-break

on through to the other side

Fantastically poor with patience like a stalker

Ninja is hardcore

Been cut so deep, feel no pain

It's not sore

Don't ask for kak or

You'll get what you ask for

I'm like a wild animal in the corner

Waiting for the break of dawn

Trying to get through the night

Just a man with the will to survive

My blade swing free

Decapitate a hater with amazing ease

This is not a game, boy

Don't play with me

I work my light sabre like a wild fucking savage

from the dark side danger

Yin to the yang

Totally Hi-Tek Ninjas

Motherfucking big in Japan

I seen the future, but I never got nothing in my hand

Except a microphone, big dreams and a plan

Fly-talking, sky-walking

Like a ninja

Hook x2

Fuck, this is like

The coolest song I ever heard in my whole life

Fuck all of you who said I wouldn't make it

Who said I was a loser

They said I was a no-one

They said I was a fuckin' psycho

But look at me now:

All up on the interweb

World-wide, 2009

Futurista

Enter the ninja

Yolandi Visser

DJ Hi-Tek

Die fokken Antwoord

What's my name?

I, I, I (I'm a ninja)

I am your butterfly

I need your protection

Be my samurai

I, I, I (yo I'm a ninja)

I am your butterfly

I need your protection

Need your protection

I, I, I (Yo I'm a ninja)

I am your butterfly

I need your protection

Be my samurai

I, I, I (a motherfuckin' ninja)

I am your butterfly

I need your protection

Need your protection

Ed wipes away a lone tear*" every time it gets better doesn't it?! Anyway got to go pal!"

"Im gonna fly like a free bird! Hasta la vista"

"Bella Swan, Im coming for you girlie!"


End file.
